obsessin’ about deathin’: sweet honourable death.

Twelfth Night, Shakespeare. I've noticed the thoughts creeping back in; like unwelcome guests, they sidle at the edge of the pool of my mind. Failing that, they plunge straight into the internal conversation which unwittingly occurs, and spread ripples far and wide. But, just as I find myself becoming more expert at catching these negative… Continue reading obsessin’ about deathin’: sweet honourable death.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings?

I sometimes wonder why I'm dragged from pillar to post by what seems a constant flux of feelings, events, actions and interactions with others. A cycle of events that can start so promisingly, in what seem to be calm and mindful conditions and awareness (waking up in the morning on a 'good day'...) can so… Continue reading Feelings, nothing more than feelings?

Not Sure Yet: Learning and Unlearning

Freefalling again. About 14 months ago I decided to stop taking anti depressants, just like that. And I did. This stint of about eight to nine years on this particular anti depressant (10mg-max 40mg year to year),  had been preceded by a period of about five years off any medication and previous to that, about… Continue reading Not Sure Yet: Learning and Unlearning

Pain and Rain

Sometimes, isn't life just excruciating? I mean, on a very simple level, for example, as I type this on my new laptop, I will be typing away and suddenly realise that the cursor has magically jumped back seven words and is typing into another sentence and I have to delete it all and start all… Continue reading Pain and Rain


  WHEN YOU ARE motivated, life is creamy; life is groovy, even when things aren't even going that well, and .... I actually find it really hard to accurately describe just how wonderful this feels because it's something I'm trying to make sense of as I think and type.... It's just good, all round good.… Continue reading TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF DEMOTIVATION

quite broken and blue and three weeks in to taking an anti depressant

Frankly, I feel mortified. My lips are tingling. My swallowing feels laboured. I have a pervading, dull throbbing sensation of pointlessness but due to the drugs I'm taking, it's just not able to develop. I wrote the above about five days ago. I had visited my doctor and he suggested that I up my dose… Continue reading quite broken and blue and three weeks in to taking an anti depressant