When your mind is a war zone

trying to define mental anguish. I can only say there’s an invisible war zone in your own head and the smallest things are threatening and the smallest things trigger irrational anxiety. When in this zone it’s so strange to look about you and see people behaving so normally and relaxed and this is how the… Continue reading When your mind is a war zone

The Blues

  All my life, yes actually (I have to double check that) but really, most of my life I’ve seesawed between feeling fine and feeling sodden. Sodden with a kind of all consuming sadness that is. For example, one day in my present life I can be cycling along taking in sight, sound and humanity… Continue reading The Blues

At the Crossroads

I’m still damn blue. No amount of omega 3 oil, vitamin c, or any of it seems to be removing my nature of cyclothymic sadness. I've been tracking days to see a pattern and it’s pretty much three weeks of melancholic misery followed by one week of feeling pretty good and forgetting about life, death,… Continue reading At the Crossroads

Not Sure Yet: Learning and Unlearning

Freefalling again. About 14 months ago I decided to stop taking anti depressants, just like that. And I did. This stint of about eight to nine years on this particular anti depressant (10mg-max 40mg year to year),  had been preceded by a period of about five years off any medication and previous to that, about… Continue reading Not Sure Yet: Learning and Unlearning

Pain and Rain

Sometimes, isn't life just excruciating? I mean, on a very simple level, for example, as I type this on my new laptop, I will be typing away and suddenly realise that the cursor has magically jumped back seven words and is typing into another sentence and I have to delete it all and start all… Continue reading Pain and Rain


  WHEN YOU ARE motivated, life is creamy; life is groovy, even when things aren't even going that well, and .... I actually find it really hard to accurately describe just how wonderful this feels because it's something I'm trying to make sense of as I think and type.... It's just good, all round good.… Continue reading TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF DEMOTIVATION

quite broken and blue and three weeks in to taking an anti depressant

Frankly, I feel mortified. My lips are tingling. My swallowing feels laboured. I have a pervading, dull throbbing sensation of pointlessness but due to the drugs I'm taking, it's just not able to develop. I wrote the above about five days ago. I had visited my doctor and he suggested that I up my dose… Continue reading quite broken and blue and three weeks in to taking an anti depressant