day 4

I am challenging myself to write every single day.

this unprecedented change that has come upon us requires outlet and purpose.

For me, that involves trying to write something. To write through this thing that is happening.

Today, I have barely been out of my house.

Outside, I know it has been a beautiful day. Really beautiful. Sunshine and blue skies.

I did go to the post office this morning to post a birthday card to my son.

People were masked and staying fairly far apart but not particularly.

I wore blue plastic gloves. But I also handled my purse while I was wearing them. It’s all a bit illogical.

Then I returned home and the day has passed in a strange blur of quiet chaos.

In London here, we’re not entirely sure what’s going on.

Ensconced in our homes, at least we are, there is a feeling of being cut off and isolated.

Partly because I know that tomorrow will be the same.

No one knows what is going on or how long it will go on for.

And it’s a weird no mans land where there is so much could be done but sometimes you just find yourself sitting. If you start something you might get ill. Is that ache corona virus? Then when did I last see my mum? Will I be one of the dying with no ventilator. Shall I carry on living with gusto or just sit and wait. It’s all just a bit like life really. A big waiting game. But just for now the conditions have changed.

I am feeling a bit throaty. Achy and headachy. But I think that’s because, perhaps unwisely, I have taken to trying to scrape walls and prepare to paint them. They are grubby and when the spring light shines in, they make me feel miserable. They show me a kind of neglect. So I am afraid while pandemonium breaks and doom looms large, I am busy bruising my knuckles and sanding walls to try and while away the thoughts and realities.

It has strangely left me feeling parched and a bit sunburnt and dry. I want to go and lie in a field in the dusk on a summer’s eve.

I feel a bit abrasive and irritated by noise – particularly the radio which I am listening to quite a lot, and social media is starting to feel too much. So I think tomorrow I will take a rest from it and try to confront my own self that I am probably trying to run away from.

People are definitely dying. People are definitely taking advice to not go out. It is all very surreal.

I need some magical thinking.

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