I did go out today.
First to drop off a bag of things at my mum’s door. A book which I sprayed and wiped and then wiped some more. Cant help visualizing that I’m wiping the virus around.
I don’t have it. I don’t think. But you don’t know, do you.
A bottle of lemon juice. Some bath salts with eucalyptus. A handmade card. Some fresh ginger. I had wanted to get some chocolate and flowers but I couldn’t go into the small supermarket because it looked humid and busy and the queues were long and winding and close together. So, no chocolate.
It was weird. My mum had left a thing outside the door for me. A bag for my Henry Hoover as i’ve run out. I put my bag down for her and took away what she had left for me. Then I left. Didn’t knock. The door stayed shut and quiet. Like on Halloween when no one is in.
After that I drove up to see my dearest friend. Up on the heath. It was windy. I watched her approach as I have many times on meeting her. Her cool silhouette ambling towards me. This time we stayed far apart, unable to embrace. How could that be. We talked at a sad distance staying at opposite sides of an invisible circle on the windy heath in the sun and we wondered at all the people we could see in the distance and further in to the village, gathering and congregating; clutching takeaway coffee cups and shopping bags and chattering and thronging, a million miles away from all the people in hospitals suffocating and fighting for their lives, or a million miles from the pandemonium of those fighting to save them
Talk is of of a lock down. This phrase has become a part of everyone’s vocabulary and understanding. Most of us want it. Lots of people are locking down. I am locking down just not completely yet. Lot’s of people seem to think it’s really all being blown out of proportion and are continuing to breathe breathily too near and share space too unworriedly with others. These people are causing much anger to many due to what appears to be a very selfish attitude. Because you Can go out, Those who find the whole thing an exaggeration, Are going out and Carrying on Regardless.
I did go out. Yes. I even socialized. But with a big invisible barge pole between us. In truth I miss my friend. I miss the freedoms I took for granted just 10 days ago. A few days if you count working as my last employment shut its doors on Friday.
Meeting in warm and steamy coffee shops like the Red Door in Greenwich and guzzling cake and coffee and chatter. Surrounded by people and personalities. I know this may come again. But I don’t know if it will be the same.
Right now is right now. It’s hard to imagine it differently. We have not had ‘the peak’ yet.
The birds are singing outside and sirens ring as always in the distance. It does feel the sirens are a bit more, kind of all the time, but I can’t be sure what it was like before, because before is gone. It always is.
My world for one is shrinking into my bedroom where I am spending much of my time.
I am trying not to worry too much about the fact my jobs have evaporated or schools have closed or indeed that the virus we know as the dreadfully named covid 19/ corona is hovering, like a grim reaper somewhere, like a rat that is always near but well hidden, and to give rats their due, sneaky, strong and stealthy. The invisible vermin virus. Hidden in the kindness of a stranger or the kiss of a friend.
To be honest this whole thing is taking it’s time to sink in. I am bewildered and confused.
I am trying not to worry.
My hands are like sandpaper. Little paper cuts are appearing on the edges of the fingers.
I am worried about the people I love.I am worried about the people other people love.