sometimes I think you can really not know how far you have come or if in fact you’ve even moved at all.
if, like me, you have an inner journey going on interspersed with frenzied pockets of anxiety or deep pools of depressive quagmire it can be difficult to take stock of your progress.
there are days when resistance proves futile- days when you realise you can’t actually make the change you wish to see. these times can possibly arouse an inner anxiety.
today i can taste the metallic discontent of stuckness; perhaps it’s my fillings, ha. maybe they are the root of my problem. I can feel the tingle on my nerves of discontent and upset which in my nervous system translates as anxiety. or otherwise its the discomfort in my lower gut that I have to stop running away from what is essentially killing me. I have to turn and face it.
Now this realisation is good. I have been running for a long time. dipping, diving, dodging, procrastinating and sort of acting as if I am facing ‘it’ but the truth is I am running from it.
The problem is, I don’t actually know how to turn and face it.
truth is I am tired of going through the motions of identifying the problem but not knowing how to go forth with what I think I know.
to mention teeth again, the rot in my situation or the canker in my blossom, or the worm in my rose is like a dead tooth hanging on by one final shred of whatever it is that connects it. one last crucial nerve. one last straw. one last lesson?
i pray now for an end to this fight. for me and for anyone else stuck in a situation they can’t quite loosen themselves from easily.
there must be a reason for the difficulty. may i please soon have some clarity,