I often think it’s unwise to write when you’re feeling not right and the light of day bites.
When creeping thoughts impale on the spine of your scales and your inner child cries and your adult self wails inwardly as she walks on the streets in the half spitting rain and she says once again how
“You’ve hit a new low, you’ve nothing to show; you’ll never make progress, you’re going to slow; you’re walking in circles and you’ve always been wrong; spending time writing songs, writing poems and sinking, what have you done? You’re still here, you’re still thinking?”
So I put down the pen or I shut up the screen; press delete then I vow I will write never again, or when things come more clean. When I am more me, and you are more you and the sadness inside has abated anew. When the weather is shiny or the right raindrops fall; when the wind’s more persuasive or the Cold Winter more Cruel; when my brain is more zingy, when I am on form; then I will write, it is then i’ll perform.
So, I press delete or I seal up the drawer cramming pieces of me in the bed of Fear’s Whore.
Then a little voice low in the base of my toe says:
‘But why should you Silence Confusion and Violence?
Why should you hide all the doubt there inside, all the fear, all the crying, the honesty bare and the things that aren’t there.
All the wrong conversations, the words left unsaid; the recriminations of a human you’ve bedded but now cannot speak to because of the chasm that spreads out between you and ruptures and spasms and renders you awkward, pathetic and dumb in the face of the choices of who you’ll become?
You don’t know what’s the right way to go, but the bodies Don’t Fit and the mind shouts out “No”.
But I say ‘it says No then it suddenly says Yes’, and I must confess that I have no clear vision of what I should do, what is right for the masses; what is right for me.
I have no idea; no answer to glean what impact this will have if I chose to divide an unhappy union with so much pain on its side.
I have this ridiculous parallel life in my mind where instead of the pain we did have Happy Lives; we’ve squandered our chance of a family happy and I don’t know whose fault it is. Maybe we were just foolish, unlucky.
I have niggling thoughts if I could just alter and shift and be nicer we’d suddenly get better; I could say ‘Hi Honey did you have a hard day?’, offer tea and crumpets, a kiss on the cheek; leap into his arms and make it perfect, delete all the awfulness and mess but i’m oh very tired and I simply can’t start to try, it’s too hard.
Why should you hide the darkness inside? How do you know that your path is the wrong one, and how do you know what you think are just Humdrum Delusions, Confusions?
Maybe you are right and the path that you’ve trod through the day and the night getting bloody, growing blind,wiping fear from your eyes as you hold up a child or wipe tears from their eyes was the right one.
Maybe you’ll reach the end of a road and a shining enigma will hold up a gateway and utter the password you’re longing to hear said and you’ll pass into clarity; Absence of Fear.
And she’ll say ‘I was with with you, yes, all through your life when you erred and fell and you failed to do right. I was there I was guiding you right through the black when you felt you were carrying bricks on your back; when your knees were aching and your brain felt askew, I was holding you up, deep down you did know. The choices you made they felt Hard, sometimes Lazy and you fell into Gutters and often felt Crazy. But you’ve done what you could with the things that you had and now I am here with my gate to a Pasture of Green Luscious Valleys and Billy Goats Gruff of Castles and Magic Trees and all of that stuff. Hmmpf.
Today a new dawning of thought fell upon me that all of my life I have troubled and strived.
It came to me loud like a crystal clear song, I have maybe been Wrong; I have seen it all Wrong.
The man that I shorn from after twenty long years i’ve never truly known, never felt his tears.
But still inside The Voice pushes me on; “It is time to release this ill fated sojourn that’s gone on way too long.” And should have been stopped at the start but we stayed because, we were dazed, and Tired at Twenty of all of the things that we carried; we’d plenty: Our childhoods, confusion our love affairs- crap, so we got to the door of our journey and put down our hats. Then for fifteen long years we argued and spat; heard things wrong then Communioned Our Misery.
Day after day we threw knives like The Twits almost seeing who could prove was more ugly, more shit.
Thing is, in that mud there were Moments Of Glory; moments when we could be Proud Of Our Story. Moments when we loved, when our children were born; when we played songs together- then The Light Dawned.
But conversations were cruel and we never aligned and year after year we ignored All The Signs which said Change or Stop for you’re growing unhappy- he worked way to much while I drowned in nappies.
We drank and we argued we argued and drank and now when I reminisce I feel our life stank. There is Shame in there; shame, tis a shame so it t’is; and now in the ashes I know not who’s to blame
and the questions pass through my fingers like sand in my hand falling fast as I look; a tumble of thoughts, words: I must close that book.
And now as dust settles and we turn a corner, it’s time to decide if the truth we can garner- that maybe it’s DONE for our voices have silenced and we can’t meet in the middle with some understanding of how to move forward in The Right Way.
And though I forge onward with some invisible force to drive us apart because that’s what Needs Must, I’m so utterly sad and scared i’m not right and I pray to the angels and God’s in the night to shout if they can, tell me this is not right or not wrong if they might
so that I may just hear them through layers of space; I may hear some guidance instead of blank, deadly face of no answers and no clear idea that choices you make are the right ones or not.
So I wrote despite thinking I should Not Write and I pray to hear an inner voice RIGHT in the dead of the night, if it will; that is, not just my voice; I want one that’s True or if there’s some divine light or guidance that shows; I hope it will show me the right way to go.
God doesn’t speak to me, i’ve often tried, to go really quiet; i’ve scrunched up my eyes; i’ve prayed to a deity to give me a nudge but the silence is deafening loud as a thud of utter white nothingness, no, not a whisper; but maybe i’m listening with the wrong ear?
What I think is i’m disappointed i’ve not been that big to make all things better to solve this Huge Mess we’ve made, I am human and got it all wrong and I have to accept that I can’t know the answers; can’t know the future, whatever I do could be right, could be wrong.
But really it doesn’t much matter, that’s true. Whatever it is that you do, you will do. You must accept the consequences and go on as you can and hope that you act with some semblance of a plan. But failing a plan, because we know that Plans Fail, I suppose that old adage of Love Conquers All or, better put, All you need is Love- is one to remember; one that may soothe.
Perhaps as I fall from the wings of the dove, as my perfect heart breaks and I stumble on rocks, I can recourse to the source of Love and Fill My Cup. And like a Wise Kind Friend of Mine told me- ‘Whatever you do, do it Kind and with Love.’ Perhaps then I can refind my place with the Dove flying up through the clouds through the sweet silver lining in the overcast sky there is Love somewhere Shining.