The Blues

 

All my life, yes actually (I have to double check that) but really, most of my life I’ve seesawed between feeling fine and feeling sodden.

Sodden with a kind of all consuming sadness that is.

For example, one day in my present life I can be cycling along taking in sight, sound and humanity and feel blessed and in the moment and seeing the blessings in others lives and moments too (to the point of happy tears- yes! I’ve cried with pathetic empathy and admiration for random people going about their day’s work…strange).

Then on another day I will be harshly sensitive to the same sights, sounds and humanity, and when I see people, I see drudgery and despair and misery just futiley walking into the invisible wall of impending death. And I am equally tearful; probably also a bit bitterly and saltilly steeped in heavy swathes of self pity.

anyway it’s been a constant blight which in my second decade with a small boy in tow lead me to be diagnosed with cyclothymia then bi polar 2. My symptoms were probs quite different then (another story).

As a small girl I vividly remember saying to my mum ‘am I a witch or a woman?’ Because if I recollect, I had strong inclinations towards both stereotypes, having been brought up on a delightful diet of fairy tales.

I couldn’t bear the blond princes who would come along at the close of what had started out an adventure full of possibilities, plant a soppy kiss on some poor sleeping lips and then drag the poor thing off to a castle somewhere. I genuinely thought that was a tragic end but I kind of was told (by the story) to be happy at this ending.

Didn’t much like the always golden haired princesses for that matter, can’t put my finger on why, maybe their eventual lack of agency and their inevitable succumbing to the soppy looking princes horrified my inner baby feminist (who was laid to rest for a long time- but that’s also another story).

The fixed face brunettes weren’t so hot either to my split five year old rebel mind but I also felt unsettled by the scarier characters; the witch particularly with her contorted, old and malevolent features or, in disguise, looking kindly with flashing eyes at dear stupid Snow White for example.

Anyway I digress. The point is, twenty years on from being twenty, I am still battling the cyclical personality that I have.

i decided to stop anti depressants and just take vitamin c and omegas really really strong strength among other vitamins and that’s been good for a couple of months but their positive effects are wearing thin. Or am I just stamping my feet and having a tantrum at being human.

or am I missing some incredible supplements that will alter my brain to predominantly happy….

Is this a human condition? Or is it cyclothymia- I don’t mean the fairytale stuff- I mean the constant flipping between intense remorse, too powerful emotions, futility, shame (oh god the list is endless) and then feeling pretty darn good and like how other people look (Facebook happy) and really capable (like Limitless but not quite that good but getting there…)

Just thought I’d put this out there.

Anyone else plagued by this goop?

I know many are….

How do You deal with it?

 

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