WHEN YOU ARE motivated, life is creamy; life is groovy, even when things aren’t even going that well, and …. I actually find it really hard to accurately describe just how wonderful this feels because it’s something I’m trying to make sense of as I think and type…. It’s just good, all round good.
Demotivation is cruel; and just saying that word in my head, DEMOTIVATION (does this word even actually exist?) …as I type it; I feel a physical sensation in my body; my throat closes and my head rushes in fear and actually, since my body is so currently attuned to my brain; I go into a lock down (i.e. mild panic). Because, fick, I’m terrified thinking it will make it happen. I’m doing something right now=motivation =Fffuucckkk! I’m in veritable heaven compared to the slow burning apathy that’s been swallowing me for months.
Yes, to go further, it’s a kind of ‘he that must not be named’ kind of word, is demotivation, I think.(Sorry to hammer this- I’m new to all this blurgging). I mean, my ears have just started ringing in the final onslaught of horror as the word gives birth in my imagination and now, as that subsides, and I recover I will simply say, DEMOTIVATION is a cruel curse.
Under the umbrella of Demotivation, is disinterest; lack of passion about anything; boredom, and grief at not feeling something like any kind of motivation. With it, is an exhausted horroful curiosity as to how anyone can be enthused about absolutely anything at all like, anything.
I suppose my most recent experience of depression consolidates my demotivation experience. I have delved into this hateful experience with probably the only motivation I’ve had left; to just get through it, if at all possible. On days I’ve felt able to, I have tried to get to the bottom of WHY it happens. Why do we get depressed? So I’ve been reading a few books I randomly picked up on the subject.
Demotivation ranges in extremes, from not having a life ambition/ career plan/ a job/to feed oneself/to clean…,, to not being able to move, which I suppose would be catatonia.
In between, are the cruel ‘symptoms’ of what a depressed person will classically exhibit (the range unique to the person)
- not wanting to take children to park (for example) despite it being a sunny day
- not wanting to go to the shop even though you’ve run out of loo roll, bread….any food whatsoever
- not wanting to clean the house even though its BAD
- not wanting to meet a friend.. even though you are lonely
This list is of course limited….but it could go on and on and on .
And semantically, it is wanting, literally wanting to be cursed by MOTIVATED people.
Not wanting to do something; even that keeps you alive- to be drastic, or that makes motivated people happy, like a walk in the park, is HORRENDOUS, and the gap in between wanting and not wanting; motivation and demotivation is an abyss of face curling; brow crunching; lip turning down; throat throbbing; heart wrenching agony and sadness.
TODAY I had a thought, which came after I persevered a tiny bit with tidying up the appearance of this blog, that maybe DEMOTIVATION does serve a purpose sometimes.
YES, I DONT want/ am not motivated to tidy my shit heap of a house because I’ve been doing it for years.
And to add to that, I’ve got further, and further away from me and my voice for years and years. and frankly, FUCK THIS house, and all the voices in my head which manifest as passers-by and people I know (their ghostly projection in my head saying words from my head) saying “oh look at your house, its a reflection of your failure” or something or whatever it is that you are not motivated to do that day…
IN HIS book The Depression Cure, David Illardi shines a light on what causes demotivation and this could help ‘depressed people’ understand why they may suffer from demotivation. And as I’m sure you agree, unless you are a stone, demotivation is painful and unwelcome. Illardi says ‘The two hemispheres of the frontal cortex work with the amygdala to steer and direct our deepest feelings. when the left frontal hemisphere grows more active than the right, for example, our mood shifts in a positive direction and we experience a strong impulse to pursue our goals. On the other hand, when the left hemisphere shuts down, mood takes a sharply negative turn, goal pursuit stops, and we become focused instead on avoiding harm. People who have suffered major damage to the left frontal cortex typically experience depressed mood, along with a profound decline in goal-directed activities.’ (Dr Steve Illardi, The Depression Cure, chapter 2:Frontal assault)
The thing is, for me, today I’m trying to make sense of why I’ve been so unmotivated for so long.
I am studying, in desperation, diet, supplements, cognitive therapy and mindfulness among other things to see if there’s a way to beat this.
But I can’t write any more as this blog is already far too long!!!
Watch this space
thank you for reading