I stopped taking my ‘pills’ and am now another naked fighter of the tainted mind. I am writing a blog as a means to cope with the daily battles which rise up and the struggles which sometimes feel as though they will defeat me. Ultimately, I don’t wish to be a fighter but in the meantime there is work to be done to challenge that state of mind which so cruelly threatens living by creating anguish and sadness and instability and actually a real disability but one that is hidden and can feel shameful.
I am doing this partly because I like to express and write and because I struggle to outlet all that arises or stagnates in the mind but also, because if through the journey I make any progress, I would love to inspire others who struggle with the weight of depression, anxiety, melancholia ……..
At base I think I am a motivated and inspired human being but somehow and somewhere along the lines I have become unconfident, jaded, low and completely sorry for myself which is a kind way of explaining the horrors of low self-esteem and high self-hatred.
I have called the blog Gaps in the Tapestry because I had a conversation with my sister about life being, of course a well-known cliché, like a tapestry. I thought that yes, while it’s been difficult at times, it is there, laid behind us, an intricate tapestry of experience and activity, thoughts and actions which have all lead to this very moment and it’s ok! Here we are! She then said something like, ‘yes, I suppose if there are gaping black holes in it, then well, it doesn’t matter really…’ which in a rather darkly humorous way defeated the object of the positive tapestry image.
But it got me thinking about the momentary panic one sometimes experiences; an inability to organise and arrange ones lived life into a tidy and acceptable sequence. Black holes of time which spit you out older and lesser. These black holes of life can be subsequently filled with guilt, shame, deep sadness, regret, disapointment, embarassment …the list does go on….all the emotions we run from because they are negative. These emotions whirlpool in the blackhole and spit us out wounded and wartorn but with no badge or certificate of bravery but instead with a confused sense of shame and inadaqaucy at not being able to be shiny and happy and bright sided people.
Mental Health is a subjective topic for many. We hear things in the news and read things all over the place but the experience for each is unique. It is a lonely and scary experience. As I go about doing this, I feel ashamed and embarrassed if anyone I know were to read my words. However, it is that very feeling that in this moment spurs me onwards.